Ahhh, the 80's. When horror movies weren't just a bunch of creepy kids and uninspired remakes. Sure, John Carpenter's "The Thing" was a remake, but that was one of the best movies ever made, Carpenter went to the original source material and made it his own. In the 80's, horror movies could be anything they wanted to be, in some cases a comedy, and in some cases, some of the craziest $#&! I have ever seen. Which brings me to 1987's "Blood Diner".
Having grown up in the 80's, and loving horror movies, I thought I had seen it all. I used to scour my local video store, (until Blockbuster put them out of business, then I went there) watching each and every one. From "Last House on the Left", to "House", to "The Stuff", I thought there were no surprises left until I was checking out my On Demand and saw "Blood Diner".
The description said it was a tribute to Herschell Gordon Lewis' "Blood Feast", and it featured "Naked Kung Fu", and that was all I needed to hear, so I sat back and gave it a look.
It's really difficult to describe this film because it's just so bat poop crazy, but it basically tells the story of two brothers- Michael and George who own a vegetarian restaurant. When they're not working, they're resurrecting their dead, serial killer Uncle Anwar and putting his brain in a jar. They also saved his penis for some reason. Also, it's not vegetarian dishes they're serving, nope, it's human flesh. Really, if you're going to set up a front for serving dead people to people would a vegetarian restaurant be you first choice? Those people are gonna know, man!
Turns out Uncle Anwar needs his nephews' help resurrecting a 2 million year old Goddess named "Sheetar" for a "Blood Buffet". The loyal nephews set out killing women and using the various parts to construct a body for Sheetar. This leads to a naked aerobic massacre, dismemberment, and yes, some naked kung fu.
There is just so much going on in this movie, I don't want to say anymore because you really should see it for yourself. A woman gets her head pushed into a deep fryer, and she's running around and bumping into things with her head looking like a giant jalapeno popper! Sorry, I had to share that one.
Directed by Jackie Kong, who also helmed "The Underachievers" and "Night Patrol", (which looks to be a shameless, sexed up rip-off of "Police Academy"), and starring no one you ever heard of, "Blood Diner" is a classic. Yes, it is seriously one of the most entertaining movies I have seen in a long time. You just can't take your eyes off it, wondering what's going to happen next.
Now for the bad news, this little gem is not available on DVD in the U.S. You can only get it from a company in Germany called Dragon, and it's rare. I just checked, and there is only one copy on ebay and it's up to almost $30. So buy it, or get the VHS copy, check On Demand, write your congressman, do whatever it takes because "Blood Diner" is worth it.
6:43 AM
Billy...
